As a couples’ therapist, Shivani Sadhoo says she often hears her clients compare their romantic relationships with those of their friends, relatives, or colleagues. Some do it to express satisfaction with their own spouse. But mostly, they wonder if they would be happier with someone more attractive, intelligent, sensitive, funnier, smarter, or richer than the one they are committed to. Embedded in their deliberation are plenty of other questions: Am I missing out? Is my romantic life all this it could be? Am I?
Yes, humans do compare. But this ennoblement of other couples omits how transits of boredom, burden, or dissatisfaction within a partnership are more acceptable than bothersome. What separates happy couples from unhappy ones is not daily conflict per se, but how each party thinks and communicates about it. Indeed, John Gottman found that around 69% of the issues among the married couples he has studied are actually never resolved. He, and some other researchers, has seen that clashes usually happen over communication, finance, parenting, or the division of household chores.
Meanwhile, the notions that other couples are having better sex—perhaps exciting, or probably simply more—is commonplace. “That extensive intimacy period is generally the first year of a relationship, but with time, it becomes weekly then erratic. Several people have unrealistic thoughts about the sex lives of others and can take these assumptions out on their partners. “Couples can weaponize this concept that everybody else is having it and they are not the one. And it is not a harmonious conversation.
Social comparison is a recipe for disaster. For individuals, studies suggest that comparing yourself with those who appear better off can lower self-esteem. People who feel they are worse off than others could be at risk for poor physical health as well as more prone to depressive symptoms and social anxiety.
Similarly, comparing your relationship with others’ leads to less satisfaction and happiness in your relationship. It has been found that people who constantly compare themselves with other couples were more prone to experience low relationship satisfaction, feelings of commitment, and intimacy.
It has also been seen that not everyone makes comparisons in a similar way. Seeing a couple that appears happier may invoke inspiration in another person (for e.g., we could be like them if we give it a try) and despair in another (we will never be like them, so we simply just break up). This is implemented to “downward” comparisons as well. Upon spending time with a couple that appears to have problems, one person may feel motivated to work better on their own relationship to avoid a similar outcome, while other may simply take it as a sign that their relationship is great the way it is. One of the research says it is not mandatorily the direction of the comparison that affects relationship quality and subsequent results. Instead, it is the interpretations that one commits.
In fact, few studies show that relationship self-evaluations seem to be more positive post people are forced to think about whether their relationship was better than others. It does not mean you must endeavor to surround yourself with unhappy couples or maintain a superiority checklist to cheer you up when you are feeling low. The point is that you can learn much from the couples that seem to be doing both better and worse than you.
Still, accepting that one can never know the truth of someone else’s relationship from the external, the essence to escaping the envy trap. Rather, of superficially measuring your companions against others’, you should instead embrace the vulnerability of sharing your inevitable problems. This is also supported by research: In one study of low-income couples geared to improve fathers’ involvement with their kids, it was seen that having parents of young kids meet in groups to discuss their personal hurdles seemed impactful in lowering negative social comparison. During the study, both men and women were motivated to think more consciously regarding how their dreams and vulnerabilities as individuals impacted them. The participants mostly expressed relief and surprise to find that they were not the only ones who felt pressured or stressed with parenting and communication issues as a couple. Witnessing the struggles of other parents greatly reduced the stigma and isolation that they used to feel.
Even though several of you compare your romantic relationships with those of your closest friends, the upside is that—if they are honest—they will talk about their own problems, lessening your shame and isolation. It is a well-known fact. Several couples have a strong marriage today, but there are many who came close to separating multiple times in the early years of raising their kids.
Here, if having friends who could ask, “You really, think you have it bad? The statement like (Let me tell you …will bring you face to face with reality). This can actually happen if you or your friend try to be completely honest. It will often normalize you and you will then feel that the problems actually allowed you to see each other more charitably.
Shivani Misri Sadhoo is an eminent psychologist and marriage counselor in India. And she has shed a light on the fact that how comparisons are actually, not a healthy way to improve your relationship most of the time.
Shivani Misri Sadhoo is an internationally recommended relationship Counsellor by world’s biggest and most trusted study and research-based foundation for couples therapy – Gottman Institute. She is trained on specialised key relationship counselling Skills from AIIMS, VIMHANS and various other reputed institutions. Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, is also Certified for Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is also a Certified Neuro Linguistic Practitioner with specialised training and experience in the field of affairs/betrayals, trust issues, difficulty communicating, conflicting values, bereavement, grief and loss (affairs, separation, divorce, childhood) and emotional health issue (anxiety, social anxiety, fear, depression, low mood).
Currently, Shivani Misri Sadhoo is one of the top counsellors with the HIGHEST Success Rate with over 17,000 happy couples and individuals (based in India and abroad), who has benefited from her therapy. Psychologist and Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo not only practice independently from her clinic in Greater Kailash, Delhi, India but also listed on the panel of eminent hospitals like IBS Hospital – Institute of Brain & Spine, Express Clinic, Fortis (formerly) based in Delhi.
