Friends make our lives richer and livelier— at least that is the aim.
But there are times friendships take more than they give. While ebbs and flows are commonplace in any relationship, it is important to be able to identify when a friendship — or any relationship, for that matter — takes a toxic turn.
You have perhaps seen examples of toxic friendships in movies or TV shows.
While it is pretty easy to call out and also criticize toxic friendships in the movies or TV shows, it can be hard to identify the warning signs in your own life — particularly in a friendship that is meaningful to you, says Shivani Sadhoo. This blog from India’s eminent couples therapist and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares a few points that indicate you are in a toxic friendship.
They always need something from you
A toxic friend will always need you for their tasks at any given time, but will never reciprocate. They will keep asking for favors and ask you to be there. But, it will make you feel guilty if you are not able to present. They will keep a list of the things they do for you and use it against you. For example, they will say, I did this for you, but you didn’t do it for me.
They disobey your boundaries
Communicating boundaries to anyone can be difficult. And particularly, harder if it is a friend, who constantly dismisses it. Even when you have conveyed them in advance you have other priorities and commitments, they will still ask for your availability and if you refuse or are not able to be there, they will treat you with utter disdain.
They disregard your values
Peer pressure is something that not just affects teens, it impacts adults too, particularly with toxic friends. They will constantly ask you to do something that you are not willing about. For example, if you are at a party with them, they will ask you to drink, even though you are not the one who enjoys drinking. But they will force you to do so for the sake of the friendship.
They will weaponize their struggles
See, everyone has their own struggles and hardships. But a toxic friend will always ask you to be with them whenever they are going through something tough, and may start to weaponize those struggles as a mode to manipulate you and will ask you to do something for them or spend time with them.
They disregard your efforts to be a good friend to them
Mostly in toxic friendships, the toxic individual may disregard your help when you try to give it to them, but will still force you to feel obligated to give them help and stand beside them.
How to deal with toxic friends
If you feel like you are in a toxic friendship, then this is a good opportunity to act on building confidence in setting boundaries.
If your relationship gets to a point where you begin questioning your identity, you are not honouring your values, and you are repeatedly feeling depleted, it is time to re-evaluate the friendship, and it is fine to walk away from a friendship like that.
Sometimes, you might want to put certain work into analyzing if you can mend the relationship or change the dynamics. If you value your relationship with that person, it is important to be honest about how you feel without being forced to be accusatory — in other words, making certain you are approaching the conversation with respect for both the individual’s feelings.
Shivani Misri Sadhoo is an internationally recommended relationship Counsellor by world’s biggest and most trusted study and research-based foundation for couples therapy – Gottman Institute. She is trained on specialised key relationship counselling Skills from AIIMS, VIMHANS and various other reputed institutions. Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, is also Certified for Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is also a Certified Neuro Linguistic Practitioner with specialised training and experience in the field of affairs/betrayals, trust issues, difficulty communicating, conflicting values, bereavement, grief and loss (affairs, separation, divorce, childhood) and emotional health issue (anxiety, social anxiety, fear, depression, low mood).
Currently, Shivani Misri Sadhoo is one of the top counsellors with the HIGHEST Success Rate with over 17,000 happy couples and individuals (based in India and abroad), who has benefited from her therapy. Psychologist and Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo not only practice independently from her clinic in Greater Kailash, Delhi, India but also listed on the panel of eminent hospitals like IBS Hospital – Institute of Brain & Spine, Express Clinic, Fortis (formerly) based in Delhi.
