What Is Cookie Jarring 5 Signs & Meaning in Dating Reveals Expert

Summary

• Cookie jarring is when someone keeps a person as a backup option while exploring other romantic possibilities.
• Common signs include inconsistency, avoiding serious conversations, uncertainty about the future, and keeping the relationship hidden.
• Healthy relationships are built on trust, commitment, respect, and genuine emotional investment—not convenience or validation.

In the modern digital dating landscape, ‘cookie jarring’ has emerged as a emotionally draining trend where someone keeps you in reserve as a security blanket while actively pursuing others. Leading Delhi relationship counselor Shivani Sadhoo unpacks the psychology behind this behavior, reveals the subtle red flags to watch for, and shares expert advice on reclaiming your self-worth.

If you are someone who has recently stepped into the world of dating, you must be familiar with terms like breadcrumbing, ghosting, benching, cushioning, and situationship, to name a few. But for someone who is new to dating, these terms must be quite confusing. Today, relationships are no longer as straightforward as they once were.

The modern dating landscape comes with its own vocabulary, shaped by changing expectations, digital interactions, and evolving relationship dynamics. Now you can add another interesting dating term called COOKIE JARRING. Confused? Well, don’t be. No, we are not talking about real cookies here.

Let’s find out from relationship expert and eminent marriage counsellor in Delhi, Shivani Misri Sadhoo, what Cookie Jarring actually means and its 5 signs.

What is Cookie Jarring?

Cookie jarring refers to a type of dating wherein one person dates multiple people at once. The objective is to keep others as backup options while dating one person. Here, the person being “cookie jarred” is often given just enough attention and affection to stay invested in the relationship, but not enough to build a genuine relationship.

This is somewhat like keeping a jar of cookies on a shelf to be used later. The individual is kept around for convenience, reassurance, or validation rather than out of sincere emotional interest. It is not a meaningful relationship in itself. However, the idea that you know someone is available for your emotional support or external validation is quite comforting. Many a time, ‘Cookie Jarring’ is confused with another dating term called ‘Cushioning’.

There is actually a thin line of difference between the two terms. While in Cushioning, a person maintains alternative romantic partners to soften the impact of a possible breakup. In Cookie Jarring style, the backup person is kept on the sidelines with little consideration for their feelings and is treated more like a safety net than a genuine partner.

“If someone keeps you as an option while searching for something better, they are not building a relationship—they are simply keeping a safety net. Real love offers clarity, commitment, and respect.” – Shivani Misri Sadhoo, Gottman Recommended Indian Marriage Counsellor | Clinical Psychologist at IBS Hospital, Lajpat Nagar, Delhi

Reasons for Cookie Jarring

1. For Alternative Options: Not everyone is sure about what they really want from a relationship. Thus, they want to keep other options open.

2. Feel Good Factor: When you receive messages and compliments from multiple admirers, you definitely feel good. This constant validation may boost confidence and create a sense of satisfaction.

3. Fear of Commitment: Some people do not want to invest in one relationship as they are not confident of its outcome. They are afraid of commitments. Thus, keeping someone on the sidelines gives them an easy fallback option while allowing them to avoid making a firm decision about the relationship.

4. Fear of Missing Out: Some people continue exploring several options simultaneously, thinking what if they make a wrong choice. So, they keep wondering if a better match might be waiting just around the corner.

5 Signs of Cookie Jarring

1. Being Inconsistent

Inconsistency is the hallmark trait of cookie-jarring. One day, the person may be extremely attentive and affectionate towards you, but the very next day, the same person gives you a cold shoulder. Plans get cancelled at the last moment, messages go unanswered, and promises quietly fade away.

Their words do not match their actions. When someone shows up only when it suits them and leaves you constantly guessing where you stand, it could be a sign that they are keeping you around for convenience rather than genuinely investing in the relationship.

2. No Serious Conversations

Another sign of cookie-jerking is that the connection rarely goes beyond casual chats and everyday small talk. While they may happily exchange messages and keep the conversation going, they often steer clear of topics that require emotional honesty or deeper involvement.

Discussions about future plans, personal aspirations, career goals, values, or where the relationship is heading are usually brushed aside or left unanswered. Over time, it can start to feel as though they enjoy your company, but have little interest in truly getting to know you on a meaningful level.

3. Uncertainty

One more sign that tells you may be getting cookie-jarred is when the other person is never clear about where the relationship is headed. Every time you bring up the future, exclusivity, or commitment, the conversation is brushed aside with vague answers.

Weeks turn into months, yet nothing becomes clearer. Instead of making space for a meaningful relationship, they keep you in a state of uncertainty while continuing to explore other options, leaving you emotionally invested without offering any real reassurance in return.

4. They Make You Feel Invisible

When someone is genuinely interested in building a relationship, they naturally make space for you in their world. If weeks or months go by and you remain invisible to their friends, family, or social circle, it is worth paying attention.

They may avoid photographs together, keep your conversations private, or make excuses whenever you suggest meeting people close to them. Being kept on the sidelines often suggests that they are not being completely open about their intentions or the place you hold in their life.

5. You Are Just Another Option

One of the most prominent signs of cookie-jerking is the feeling that the relationship is stagnant. There is no future. The person may be warm and affectionate when it suits them, yet remains unclear about where things are headed.

They seem happy to keep you around, but do not seem to be quite involved. You may notice that they are still taking an interest in other people, exploring dating apps, or avoiding serious conversations.

Last but not least, cookie-jerking is not an ideal style of dating, as it can have a significant emotional impact on the person being cookie-jerred. While the initial attention and affection may feel exciting, if you notice there is a pattern of inconsistent behaviour, uncertainty, or emotional distance. If you often feel invisible, undervalued or eventually discover that you are just another option for them, it is high time you consider quitting that relationship. Love, trust, mutual respect and emotional commitment are the ingredients of a happy and healthy relationship.