We often hear couples talk about soul mates. Many enter relationships believing in the idea that there is one perfect person meant for them. But is this belief helpful or harmful to a lasting and fulfilling marriage? Let’s explore this concept through the lens explained by India’s top couples counsellor and relationship expert Shivani Misri Sadhoo.
Are Soulmates Real?
Science does not attempt to prove or disprove the existence of soulmates. Instead, belief in soulmates is a personal perspective—some people embrace the idea, while others remain skeptical.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that many Americans subscribe to this belief. In a 2021 YouGov survey of 15,000 respondents, nearly 60% believed in soulmates. However, it’s important to note that this was not a scientific study and may not accurately represent the broader population.
Rather than focusing on whether soulmates exist, what matters more is how this belief influences romantic relationships.
The Psychology Behind Believing in Soulmates
A 2004 study explored two fundamental relationship perspectives:
- Soulmate Theory – The belief that a partner should fulfil or complete you.
- Work-It-Out Theory – The idea that relationships require effort, care, and commitment to maintain happiness.
Research suggests that individuals who subscribe to the soulmate theory tend to experience higher relationship satisfaction—but only if they believe they have found “the one.” This sense of fulfillment persisted even during stressful times, as long as they felt their partner was their perfect match.
A 2011 study compared two different marriage models:
- The Soulmate Model – Associated with the highest levels of satisfaction but also greater conflict and higher divorce rates.
- The Institutional Model – Based on traditional gender roles, religious influences, and social structures. These marriages tended to be more stable, provided the couple had sufficient support from their communities.
Further research indicates that understanding the soulmate perspective may help therapists offer more meaningful guidance to couples. As modern relationships evolve—shaped by factors like the decline in religious influence and changing societal norms—counsellors may need to focus on fostering personal growth and mutual fulfilment within partnerships.
How Do You Know If You’ve Found Your Soulmate?
There is no definitive way to determine if someone is your soulmate. Most sources that claim to offer signs of a soulmate rely on anecdotal evidence or pop culture references rather than scientific proof. Some commonly cited signs of a soulmate connection include:
- A strong “gut” feeling or immediate sense of knowing
- A deep sense of comfort and peace with the person
- Alignment on both major life decisions and everyday preferences
- A shared sense of humor and mutual understanding
While these experiences may feel significant, they are largely subjective.
The Science Behind Attraction and Connection
Research suggests that attraction and the desire to pursue a relationship can begin at first sight, which may reinforce the belief in soulmates for some. However, this initial chemistry can sometimes lead to challenges.
A 2022 review examined brain activity when individuals saw someone they found attractive. Findings indicated that attraction activates the brain’s reward system, and neural responses may even help predict romantic decisions. While this may explain intense initial attraction, it doesn’t necessarily indicate long-term compatibility.
Potential Pitfalls of Relying on Instant Attraction
The excitement of early attraction can fade over time, revealing differences or conflicts that weren’t initially apparent. Relying solely on chemistry can also make it harder to recognize harmful behaviours. Some individuals may exhibit charm and appealing traits early on to gain trust before engaging in manipulation or abuse.
Rather than focusing on whether someone is a predetermined “soulmate,” it may be more beneficial to build relationships based on trust, communication, and shared values, ensuring a strong foundation for long-term happiness.
Preparing Yourself for Romantic Love
There is no strict formula for preparing yourself for love, whether you’ve been single for years or only a short time. Most advice on the topic is anecdotal, often emphasizing personal growth through:
- Self-awareness – Understanding your values, emotions, and relationship goals.
- Comfort with solitude – Learning to enjoy your own company and independence.
- Self-acceptance – Embracing your strengths and imperfections.
However, much of what makes love possible may be beyond your control.
The Science Behind Romantic Love
A 2021 study explored the factors that contribute to the development of romantic love. Researchers identified key precursors that make love more likely:
- Reciprocal liking – Love often begins when both individuals express interest through gestures, expressions, or verbal cues.
- Familiarity – Frequent interactions, whether at work, social gatherings, or through mutual connections, can foster attraction.
- Social influence – Acceptance from friends, family, and cultural norms can play a role in relationship formation.
- Emotional fulfilment – A relationship is more likely to turn romantic when it meets emotional needs, making it unlikely for love to develop if these needs go unmet.
Rather than focusing on finding love, preparing for a healthy relationship involves understanding yourself, recognizing genuine connection, and ensuring emotional compatibility with a potential partner.
The concept of soulmates lacks scientific validation, but how you perceive relationships—whether as a destined connection or a commitment that requires effort—can shape your romantic experiences and overall fulfillment.
Neither perspective is inherently superior, as research suggests both can lead to meaningful and satisfying relationships. Many people may find themselves somewhere in between, and that’s perfectly normal.
While falling in love can feel effortless with the right connection, maintaining a relationship typically requires intentional effort and growth. To explore this further, visit our page on love as a conscious choice.
Shivani Misri Sadhoo is an internationally recommended relationship Counselor by world’s biggest and most trusted study and research-based foundation for couples therapy – Gottman Institute . She is trained on specialized key relationship counseling Skills from AIIMS, VIMHANS and various other reputed institutions. Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, is also Certified for Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is also a Certified Neuro Linguistic Practitioner with specialized training and experience in the field of affairs/betrayals, trust issues, difficulty communicating, conflicting values, bereavement, grief and loss (affairs, separation, divorce, childhood) and emotional health issue (anxiety, social anxiety, fear, depression, low mood).
Currently, Shivani Misri Sadhoo is one of the top counselors with the HIGHEST Success Rate with over 17,000 happy couples and individuals (based in India and abroad), who has benefited from her therapy. Psychologist and Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo not only practices independently from her clinic in Greater Kailash, Delhi, India but also listed on the panel of eminent hospitals like IBS Hospital Panel – Institute of Brain & Spine, Express Clinic, Fortis (formerly) based in Delhi.
