When you are in a long relationship it is often where one sees that one of the partners leads while another one takes a back seat. And this could be related easily if one often ask themselves certain questions such as
Do you take proper care of yourself? Perhaps not.
Do you celebrate yourself sufficiently? Perhaps not.
Does your spouse motivate you to take care of yourself sufficiently? Perhaps not.
What is the reason?
Shivani Sadhoo says there is no such thing called self-care in relationships. And it is a fact that one needs to acknowledge.
Self-care is quite a trendy buzzword in the self-help world. What does it actually mean?
Self-care could be defined as prioritizing your own physical, emotional, spiritual needs over those of others like a spouse, kids, family, work). In long-term intimate relationships, there is no existence of self without the other.
Self-care is difficult enough as it is when you are single, but when you are in a relationship, it is even more complicated since you are part of a system. You are (inter)reliant on your partner in the majority of areas of your life, including self-care. In reality, there is no self-care without the other half’s involvement.
Your taking is other one’s giving
Relationships (or families) are in essence a closed one, complex, sensitive, inter-reliant system. These systems always look for homeostasis: Every move an individual makes is impacted by and impacts the rest of the system.
True, there is no self-care without anyone else’s support.
For instance, if you wish to go for a weekend or vacation away with your friends, that means your spouse has to hold reality while you are away, be it taking care of the kids, pet, the utility bills, the finances, and other aspects
Perceiving self-care from a systemic prism lets you understand why, mostly, you may not always get the assistance you expect from your partner.
Being reliant on another individual is so scary that people often avoid thinking analytically and delude themselves that their behaviors are not impacted or impacting their partner. Such linear thinking might lead to a dichotomous win-lose scarcity approach: It is either me or you, your needs or my needs. Thus, prioritizing yourself will be interpreted as not prioritizing (or loving) your spouse.
Another outcome of the systemic lens is that when one self-cares, one is essentially taking care of the entire system—since a better you mean a better us. You two are inter-reliant, and hence, self-care is also a relational victory.
An instance
Let us assume your wife loves to sleep in in the mornings. Initially, you might judge her and criticize her for not supporting you with the morning routine. You may feel sorry for yourself and get angry at her, feeling her as lazy, for dumping all the tasks on (a general mindset); you criticized and made your wife. feel guilty—until you had a sincere conversation about how much she requires her sleep in an attempt to be present, playful, and energetic with you and your family.
Framing the situation might help you to understand the win-win element of your partner’s self-care. You may realize that your wife taking care of herself is not a power move or an act that she does not care for you. Rather, your partner is leaning on you during the morning in an attempt to be more with you and the family the rest of the day. From that stage, you may find it easier to take lead in the mornings and assist take care of herself. You perhaps lastly understand that it is in your enlightened self-interest to help your partner to do self-care.
How would you master relational self-care?
India’s top couple’s therapist Shivani Misri Sadhoo says that the truth that self-care is relational, does not mean that it would be bad or impossible. It simply needs awareness, patience, and communication. Here are certain steps that might assist:
· Think what or where are you lacking? Sleep? Diet? Exercise? Vacation? Hobby? Think or write why do you need it and how well sit will serve you.
· Have an honest conversation with your spouse. Share with your partner the reasons you want to do this. Elaborate to them that self-care is relational, which means it is a win-win: If you are happier, your partner will be happier. Remind your partner that your self-care is not because you wish to leave or punish them but simply you wish to be more complete, energized, present, vital, and curious in your life—and also in your relationship.
· Share. Shared with your spouse what they could do (or not) to assist you to achieve self-care.
· Be ready for resistance. Because you are challenging the system, get prepared for pushback or damage. Your partner may refuse. They may belittle your aspirations.
· Resistance. If your other half does resist, do not be surprised, hurt, or disappointed. Look to understand that they could feel threatened. Listen to their issues and reassure them it is winning all situations for both. If your partner still does not co-operate, then let your partner know you are still going to do it. Your self-care is not motive is not against them.
· Reciprocate. If you wish your other one to take better care of themselves, then be proactive and “go downstairs” and take ownership. Display them with your feet that you help them prioritize themselves.
Your taking is their giving; you can’t ignore the inter-reliant reality of your life. Perceiving self-care as a relational endeavor will boost mutual support, since, both of you wish more of each other.
Everyone aspires that their other half to be more present, alive, positive, caring, loving, and attentive. You can’t do that for them. They need to learn to do it for themselves. But one can show it through relational self-care.
Shivani Misri Sadhoo is an internationally recommended relationship Counsellor by world’s biggest and most trusted study and research-based foundation for couples therapy – Gottman Institute. She is trained on specialised key relationship counselling Skills from AIIMS, VIMHANS and various other reputed institutions. Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, is also Certified for Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Counsellor Shivani Misri Sadhoo is also a Certified Neuro Linguistic Practitioner with specialised training and experience in the field of affairs/betrayals, trust issues, difficulty communicating, conflicting values, bereavement, grief and loss (affairs, separation, divorce, childhood) and emotional health issue (anxiety, social anxiety, fear, depression, low mood).
Currently, Shivani Misri Sadhoo is one of the top counsellors with the HIGHEST Success Rate with over 17,000 happy couples and individuals (based in India and abroad), who has benefited from her therapy. Psychologist and Counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo not only practice independently from her clinic in Greater Kailash, Delhi, India but also listed on the panel of eminent hospitals like IBS Hospital – Institute of Brain & Spine, Express Clinic, Fortis (formerly) based in Delhi.
